TOEFL作文求批改.

题目

TOEFL作文求批改.
450字,不知道是否过多.
以前有人说我写得太刻意复杂,这次用词用句尽量简单了.
希望有经验的同学都帮帮忙哈~
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Sports teaches people lessons about life.
Many people,believing that sports can only provide people good health and relaxation,maintain that they cannot teach people anything.However,I am in favor of the statement that athletic activities teach us a lot in various aspects.
For instance,sports help us learn about unity.To demonstrate it we can take the football game as an example.The success of a football team depends on how well teammates perform the strategy and how harmonious the cooperation between the members is.If one totally plays alone and never gives another person a single chance to perform in football match,he or she will definitely get exhausted and fail to win,ruining the unity of the team.Thus,we can see from this scenario that only by collaboration will the teammates hold the same goal and then work well to pursue their dream.
Moreover,persistence,another significant element which determines win or loss,is usually what people gain by doing sports.For example,marathon is known as one of the most popular extreme races that challenge human limitation both physically and mentally.Without persevering,one must fail half of the way and receive nothing but regret.I have once been practicing long-distance running three years ago for my High School Entrance Examinations.I could still recall the time when I ran three thousand miles every day after school,just for training my physical ability.No matter it was in downpour or sunschorch,freeze or high temperature,never did I give up running.After all of the torture,I got full scores in the sports examinations and a strong spirit that would not be easily defeated by setback.If we can insist on every task happens in our life,we will surely succeed at last.
Additionally,sports teach us not to care excessively about the result.To say another word,the progress in which we develop ourselves and obtain friendship is more valuable than a gold medal.It was in last summer when I go tennis training with my best friend Yoyo.At the beginning we went to tennis matches as double partners and enjoyed lying on the tennis court together after training.Nevertheless,getting improved far more quickly than she did,I was not satisfied with just playing in double any more so I asked my coach to attend match and to train separately.To my surprise,he said” You’ve lost what the real pleasure of sport”.It suddenly dawned on me that I had paid too much attention to win but ignored my pleasure and friendship.
There is definitely no lack of learning opportunity when we are doing sports,but it is us who sometimes lack the awareness to grab it.Sports can teach us more than we imagine if we keep in mind to study at any time.

答案

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取消括弧内的字
Many people,believing that sports can only (provide people) provide people with good health and relaxation,maintain that they cannot teach people anything.However,I am in favor of the statement that athletic activities teach us a lot in various aspects.
For instance,sports help us learn about unity.To demonstrate it we can take the football game as an example.The success of a football team depends on how well teammates perform the strategy and how harmonious the cooperation (between) among the members is.If one totally plays alone and never gives another person a single chance to perform in football match,he or she will definitely get exhausted and fail to win,ruining the unity of the team.Thus,we can see from this scenario that only by collaboration will the teammates hold the same goal and then work well to pursue their dream.
Moreover,persistence,another significant element which determines win or loss,is usually what people gain by doing sports.For example,marathon is known as one of the most popular extreme races that challenge human limitation
both physically and mentally.Without (persevering) persisting,one must fail half of the way and receive nothing but regret.I (have) had once (been practicing) practised long-distance running three years ago for my High School Entrance Examinations.I could still recall the time when I ran three thousand miles every day after school,just for training my physical ability.(No matter) No matter whether it was in downpour or (sunschorch) under the scorching sun ,(freeze or high) or at a freezing or high temperature,never did I give up running.After all of the torture,I got full scores in the sports examinations and a strong spirit that would not be easily defeated by (setback) setbacks.If we can insist on every task (happens) happening in our life,we will surely succeed at last.
Additionally,sports teach us not to care excessively about the result.(To say another word) In other words,the progress in which we develop ourselves
and obtain friendship is more valuable than a gold medal.It was in last summer when I (go) took tennis training with my best friend Yoyo.At the beginning we (went to tennis matches) took part in mixed doubles matches as (double) partners and enjoyed lying on the tennis court together after training.Nevertheless,getting improved far more quickly than she did,I was not satisfied with just playing in double any more so I asked my coach (to attend match and to train separately) for separate training for single matches.To my surprise,he said〃 You've lost (what) the real pleasure of sport〃.It suddenly dawned on me that I had paid too much attention to win but ignored my pleasure and friendship.
There is definitely no lack of learning opportunity when we are doing sports,but it is us who sometimes lack the awareness to grab it.Sports can teach us more than we imagine if we keep in mind to study at any time.