帮我看看我的托福作文吧 多给些建议

题目

帮我看看我的托福作文吧 多给些建议
do you agree or disagree with the following statement Parents are the best teachers .
我的作文：
The recent years have seen the profound changes of edication system,during which a growing number of people deem that parents are the best teachers .Meanwhile ,still some deny it .I side with the former .As I see it ,parents leading is extremely necessary .
A good case in point is my parents ,the most important people of my live ,being my best teacher when I was young,are so patient .As a child ,they taught me how to walked on the road ,how to wrote on the paper ,how to talked with others and how to be a good person ect.In my clear memory ,when I was a primary school student ,is so interested in everything that delight me had a curiosity to try everything new even though it was harmful to me.So my patient parents always had to take good care of me and preventing me from the dangerous things .How important they are
They are not only patient but they usually

答案

文章结构有待改善,扣题不是很紧.第二段写父母很耐心,第三段写父母能给自己提很多建议,这两段可以作为支撑文章中心论点的分论点；但是在这之后又写了一些自己目前胡情况,跟父母没有多大关系,完全可以删去；
I am now studying in NO.2 high school ,which is the best high school and being well known all over Guangzhou .
Suppose that my parents have never taught me the living skill and encourage me when I was in trouble ,I will never have such this achievememt now .
I don’t deny that someone think parents aren’t the best teacher.
我复制上来的这一部分,与主题没有关系,题目要你谈父母,你的每一段的分论点都应该以父母为中心.
我的建议是,碰到这样的题目,当你对正反两方都不能找出足够多的理由的时候,最好写成正反平衡式的,（前两段定支持后一段写反对,或者前两段写反对,后一段写支持,一般中间写三段再加开关结尾各一段）这样就可以使文章结构清晰明了,布局合理紧凑,给人很充实的感觉.
你写的这篇出现的问题就是理由不充分,分论点只有两个,而且这两个分论点不能很好地支撑文章的中心论点.