帮我看看这篇 雅思作文 .顺便我改改,打个分.

题目

帮我看看这篇 雅思作文 .顺便我改改,打个分.
今年4月12号就要考雅思了,第二次考,自己要求6分以上,这是我练的一篇雅思作文.希望各位牛牛们帮我看看,指出不足之处,顺便给个分数.
Some people think the government should spend more money on public services other than waste money on arts (music or painting).To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays,many people argue against the government allocating money to public services outweigh investing in arts.Actually,public services and arts have improved the quality of our lives and play an important role in our daily life.However,it also creates some problems as well.
On the one hand,there are two advantages of public services such as schools and hospitals.First of all,school is one of the most important public services and it can solve the problems of education.Therefore,it can promote population quality.This point can be confirmed by the example of the number of schools in some developed countries.Secondly,while some people get sick.Only hospital can cure them.Thus,hospitals are necessary for the citizens

答案

开头段第一句与第二句换一下位置,先说背景再说题目的观点.然后明确自己的观点,是支持还是不支持.第二段开头加总起句,不要用优缺点这种句子,通常都是比较同一样事物才写优缺点的.例子需要更加详细.句型比较简单,譬如...